First published in Dreamwatch magazine
Dog Day Afternoon
Last time Johnny Alpha stood beside Judge Dredd was in Judgement Day, an epic series in 2000AD comic. The mutant bounty-hunter travelled back in time to help Mega City One's toughest lawmaker save the world. As the stoney-faced pair marched across the smoking ruins, Dredd said: "Who the hell's gonna mess with us?"
Their second meeting is somewhat less iconic. It's during a coffee-break at the Moat Studios, in Stockwell, South London. On a Saturday.
"Have you got a PlayStation 2?" says Judge Dredd
"Yes," replies Alpha, indignantly.
"Have you got Gran Turismo 3."
"Yes."
"Ah, but have you got an X-Box?"
"I'm getting one tomorrow."
"Well, I've got two, actually."
Toby Longworth, who plays Dredd in the Big Finish audio dramas, is teasing Spaced-star Simon Pegg, who's here to play Alpha in the first of the Strontium Dog plays - Down to Earth
Johnny Alpha was one of 2000AD's most popular characters, a mutant with eyes that could see through walls, who roamed the galactic frontier as a Search/Destroy agent. The disinherited son of mutant-hating fascist Nelson Kreelman, Johnny was exiled from Earth, his only allies giant Viking warrior Wulf Sternhammer, timid alien furball 'the Gronk', and unintelligible Scottish mutant Middenface McNulty.
Better known to new readers as the strip that spun off into the Durham Red series, the original Johnny/Wulf cast of SD has finally returned to the pages of 2000AD with the new Roadhouse storyline. To mark the occasion, 2000AD's new owners licensed the characters to audio play producers Big Finish. Which is where I came in, because someone had to write the first one.
I pick my way through the drunks on Stockwell Road, negotiating the burnt-out cars on the council estate, to find the studio entrance next to a doorbell marked "Ladyboy".
"It says Ladyboy on the bell outside!" I announce excitedly to the green room.
Everybody turns and stares at me.
"This is the writer," says director John Ainsworth, by way of explanation.
The actors are locked in a soundproof box, and I sit in the control room with the director and a gallon of coffee. We have eight hours to lay down 60 minutes of audio - not impossible, but it's going to be close.
Left to their own devices while waiting for their next cue, the actors chat among themselves, their voices coming across loud and clear through the studio speakers.
"What if," Pegg suggests conspiratorially, "the aliens from Aliens got their own DVD commentary track?" The others rise to the bait, as the speakers in the studio immediately erupt in a cascade of hisses, screeches and wheezes. A technician looks at me worriedly.
"Don't worry," I say. "They're always like this."
Toby Longworth is thinking about his role. Tomorrow, he's going to be Judge Dredd, in the Big Finish audio Death Trap. But tonight, Matthew, he's going to be Wulf Sternhammer, a giant, blonde time-travelling Viking from the eighth century.
"Would I call Alpha Johnny or Yonny?" he muses.
"Oh no, yoni is Sanskrit for ladyparts," says a voice, unidentifiable because it's a perfect impersonation of Kenneth Williams. A heated debate starts up over whether it would work as a joke or not in audio. It is decided that, over many years in many pubs, Johnny has trained Wulf to pronounce his name properly.
Johnny Alpha is from Milton Keynes. He just works in outer space. But nobody is sure what a Milton Keynes accent is. Is it as much a non-entity as the town itself? Actress Fran Clarke has taken matters into her own hands.
"I rang WH Smith's in Milton Keynes and tried to get them talking," she says. "I got put through to the Cookery department and asked them to list all the Jamie Oliver titles they had. But they only had one book. And the woman who answered the phone was Scottish."
Luckily, the problem solves itself. Johnny Alpha comes from south-west England and so does Simon Pegg. He steps up to the mike, and for the first time in 25 years, Johnny Alpha has a voice. It is gravelly, rasping, and tough, like it should be.
Midday and we're still moving very slowly. It's taken far longer than expected to record the first scene, a punch-up in an orbital casino, but things are picking up now. Over lunch, Pegg confesses that this is a dream come true for him, and that he has always cherished the idea of playing Johnny Alpha. In fact, it was the mention of the character in an episode of Spaced that led to Big Finish offering him the part.
I set a bad example by ordering a lager. Pegg has a coke. He's taking this very seriously - like he owes it to his childhood self. He heads back early, and I see him standing in the middle of the Stockwell Road, idly thumbing his mobile, scowling in intense concentration. He has a car chase to do this afternoon, followed by a sneak-attack on the baddie's hideout.
Back at the studio, two actresses smoke a nervous fag.
"Was I enough of a bitch, darling?"
"I think you were a terrible bitch."
"But was I terrible enough? It's difficult to hit the right note."
"You think you've got problems? I've got two mouths and I eat metal."
"There is that, yes."
The director is herding the actors in for another scene.
"Does anyone have any questions before we start?" he asks.
"How do I get out of this chickenshit outfit?" I suggest.
There is a pause, and a lone voice pipes up on one of the speakers.
"I'd just like to say," says Pegg, "that I got the Aliens reference, just there."
"Okay," says the director. "Scene 23, into the salt marshes of doom, going for a take…"